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jokes
• A soldier never made it back to base because he drove his jeep into AWOL.
• Why does steak have more energy than beefburger? Because, beefburger is in its ground state.
• The first scientists who studied fog were mistified.
• Heavenly bodies have an attractive force.
• You won't often catch loggers or farmers going against the grain.
• A crazy programmer with a cold is a coughing hacker.
• When some people go on a diet they have a gut reaction.
• If you're a gardener, you might call yourself a 'plant manager'.
• A book called 'Current Trends in Wiring your House' turned out to be a shocking failure.
• Computers at breakfast food companies use serial i/o.
• With everything you read about spray cans and the ozone layer it's enough to scareosol to death.
• An unusual medical book is one that has no appendix.
• If you swallow uranium you will probably get atomic ache.
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Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many technical authors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form A ... consists of sequence of non-blank characters separated by blanks.
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Q: How many technical authors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there is a programmer around to explain how to do it.
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Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts only replace dark bulbs.
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Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Forget you! That's the electrician's job.
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Q: How many buyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Do You Think?
• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
• It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack.
• I used to be Snow White, but I drifted ....
• The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
• Am I getting smart with you? .... How would you know?
• Not one shred of evidence exists in favour of the idea that life is serious.
• I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
• My Reality Check bounced.
• I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck and dodging deadlines.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
• The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here?!
• Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
• Does vacuuming count as aerobic exercise?
• I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
• Sweat is Nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.
• You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
• I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
• I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
• Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are.
• There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.
• Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you...
• I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
• When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
• Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
• Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
• Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
• Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
• My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
• One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
• If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
• You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
• Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car. Words by Which to Live
• Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
• I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
• I am in shape. Round's a shape...
• I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
• Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
• I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
• Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
• Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
• You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is.
• I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
• The statistics on sanity are that one in four people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
• Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
• I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
• A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.
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Uncertainty
Heisenberg was driving down the Autobahn whereupon he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman asked, "Do you know how fast you were going back there? Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."
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My Dog Ate It.
Actual Reasons Given for Absenteeism from Work:
• If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
• When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the toilet, but I feel good about it.
• I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
• I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
• I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
• I am stuck in the photo booth down at Tesco's.
• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them oranges, eh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with BT, but thank you for calling.
• Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
• The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
• The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitch hike to the vets.
• My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
• I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
• I am extremely sensitive to a rise in interest rates.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
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Darwin Was Right. And We Should Be Scared.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
• On a Boot's hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". (that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
• On a bag of Walkers crisps: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (Evidently, the shoplifter special.)
• On some Iceland frozen meals: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But it's *just* a suggestion)
• On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". (Oops, too late!)
• On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". (As night follows the day...)
• On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". (But wouldn't this save even more time?)
• On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
• On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". (One would hope)
• On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". (As opposed to what?)
• On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". (I've got to admit, I'm curious.)
• On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". (NEWS FLASH!)
• On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)
• On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company; I blame parents for this one.)
• On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Now given that every warning label on a ladder is the result of something that actually happened to somebody, this one scares me.)
• On a bottle of Palmolive washing up liquid: "Do not use on food." (Hey Mum we're out of tomato sauce! ; It's OK dear just grab the Palmolive!)
• On a tube of Crest toothpaste: "If swallowed contact a medical advisor." (Oh please have you ever heard about someone dying from swallowing a little toothpaste?)
• On a bottle of washing machine liquid: "Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine." (Hey no more swimming in the washing machine kids....Ohh, you mean we have to use the swimming pool?)
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Do You Want Fries With That?
Unintentional bloopers that have been discovered in CV's, job applications and covering letters:
• "I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise." (And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)
• "Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity." (No problem ...)
• "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable." (Glad to hear it.)
• "My compensation should be at least equal to my age." (And bonuses should perhaps be "tied to" your shoe size?)
• "I am very detail-oreinted." (With the possible exceptions of spelling and the proper use of the hyphen.)
• "I can play well with others." (Oh, good. We'll be sure to tell your Mummy.)
• "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel." (A new twist on work-family balance.)
• "Objection: To utilize my skills in sales." (Have you considered law school?)
• "My salary requirement is £34 per year." (Well they do say money isn't everything, but...)
• "Served as assistant sore manager." (Ouch! Were you in the union or did you work as a scab?!)
• "Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle." (So you're willing to travel?)
• "Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco." (Definitely to the point.)
• "I vow to fulfil the goals of the company as long as I live." (And they say loyalty is hard to come by these days.)
• "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job." (We're glad you're not bitter.)
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Heart Stopping!
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop.
The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic.....
"Try doing it with the engine running!
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Good Ol' Bar Joke
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
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A theoretical physicist, an experimental physicist, and a mathematician are all locked in separate rooms for a week with only 1 can of soup and are told that if they want to eat they must find a way to open the can.
After 1 week the rooms were opened:
The experimental physicist's room had multiple dents in the walls, with a few soup stains, showing how he had thrown his can against the wall until he figured out the exact angle needed to open the can. He then threw the can at the wall at that angle, opened the can, and ate the soup.
The theoretical physicist's room was covered in equations and 1 dent in the wall, showing he calculated the exact angle needed to open the can, threw the can at the wall at that angle, opened the can, and ate the soup.
The mathematician was found in his room seated on the floor with the unopened can repeating,
"I define this can to be open!"
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If it's green and wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
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Useful Units Conversions
• Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter -- Eskimo Pi.
• 2000 pounds of Chinese soup -- Won ton.
• 1 millionth mouthwash -- 1 microscope. " Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier -- Mach Turtle.
• 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling -- 1 lite year.
• Half of a large intestine -- 1 semicolon.
• 1000 aches -- 1 megahurtz.
• Weight an evangelist carries with God -- 1 billigram.
• Basic unit of laryngitis -- 1 hoarsepower.
• Shortest distance between two jokes -- A straight line.
• Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement -- Bananosecond.
• Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," the first step of a one-mile journey -- 1 Milwaukee.
•1 million microphones -- 1 megaphone.
• 1 million bicycles -- 2 megacycles.
• 365.25 days -- 1 unicycle.
• 2200 mockingbirds -- Two kilomockingbirds.
•10 cards -- 1 decacards.
• 1000 grams of wet socks -- 1 literhosen.
• 1 millionth of a fish -- 1 microfiche.
• 1 trillion pins -- 1 terrapin.
• 1 million billion picolos -- 1 gigolo.
• 10 rations -- 1 decoration.
• 10 millipedes -- 1 centipede.
• 3 1/3 tridents -- 1 decadent.
• 10 monologs -- 5 dialogs.
• 2 monograms -- 1 diagram.
• 100 Politicians -- Not 1 decision.
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You May Be An Engineer If...
• Your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you
to dinner.
• You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
• You want an 500X CD-ROM for Christmas.
• You can name 6 Star Trek episodes (bonus points if you have more than
6 recorded on video tape).
• The only jokes you receive are through e-mail.
• Yo wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
• Yo idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal
point in the right place.
• You look forward to Christmas because you get to put together the kids'
toys.
• You use a CAD package to design your son's soap box car.
• You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging
coats and taping ducts.
• At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find
the burned-out bulb in the string.
• You window shop at Maplin.
• Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi
movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
• You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
• You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that
actually takes five minutes to run.
• You are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener
and the flash attachment from your camera.
• You don't even know where the cover to your PC is.
• You've modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
• You know the direction the water swirls in the plug hole.
• You own "Official Star Trek" anything.
• You've ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
• A team of you and your colleagues have set out to modify the aerial
on the radio at work for better reception.
• You ever burned down the workshop with your sons science project.
• You're currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear
reactor.
• You own one or more white short-sleeve shirts.
• You've never backed-up your hard drive.
• You're aware that computers are actually only good for playing games,
but are afraid to say it out loud.
• You truly believe aliens are living among us.
• You've ever saved the mains plug from a broken appliance.
• You've ever purchased an electrical appliance "as-is".
• You see a good design and still have to change it.
• The salesman at Curry’s can't answer any of your questions.
• You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
• The thought that a CD could refer to music never enters your mind.
• You own a set of watchmakers screw drivers, but you don't remember where
they are.
• You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your car tyres.
• You have a functioning home photocopier, but every toaster you own turns
bread into charcoal.
• You have more toys than your kids.
• You need a checklist to turn on the TV.
• You have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
• You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
• Your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
• The microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you shove
up to the front to fix it.
• You can remember 7 computer passwords but not your wedding anniversary.
• You've memorized the TV schedule for Discovery but have seen most of
the programmes already.
• You've ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands
for.
• Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first colour TV with
a magnifying lens to see how they made the colours, and you grew up thinking
that was normal.
• You know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw
driver to use.
• You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
• People groan at the party when you pick out the music.
• You can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.
• You did the sound system for the school play.
• Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
• You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
• You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
• You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't
get enough sleep.
• You spend more on your home computer than your car.
• You know what http:// stands for.
• You've ever tried to repair a 5 quid radio.
• You have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
• Your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain
atmospheric absorption theory.
• Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
• Your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate.
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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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A vicar, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's up with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The vicar said, "Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hey George, what's up with that group ahead of us? They're a bit slow, aren't they?"
The green keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group went silent for a moment.
The vicar said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist friend and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
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What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons.
Civil Engineers build targets.
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The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
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An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
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The Value of Experience
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion pound machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated,
"This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for £50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
(1) One chalk mark £1
(2) Knowing where to put it £49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
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Structural Engineering ... ... has been characterized as the art of molding materials we don't really understand into shapes we cannot really analyze so as to withstand forces we cannot really assess in such a way that the public does not really suspect.
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Engineering Rules
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
If you can't fix it -- document it.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
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Engineering Terminologies
A number of different approaches are being tried. (We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.)
Close project coordination. (We should have asked someone else.)
An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem. (We just hired 3 guys. We'll let them kick it around for a while.)
Major technological breakthrough. (Back to the drawing board.)
Customer satisfaction believed assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer is happy to get anything at all from us.)
Preliminary operational test were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch!)
The test results were extremely gratifying. (It works and boy are we surprised.)
The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
It is in the process. (It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.)
We will look into it. (By the time the wheel makes a full turn, we will assume you have forgotten about it.)
Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this job.)
Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done.)
Give us your interpretation. (Your warped opinion will be pitted against our good sense.)
See me, or Let's discuss. (Come down to my office, I'm lonesome.)
All new. (Parts not interchangeable with previous design.)
Rugged. (Too heavy to lift.)
Lightweight. (Lighter than rugged.)
Years of development. (Finally got one that worked.)
Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
No maintenance. (Impossible to fix!)
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Engineers and the Jet
Back in the 60's, a jet manufacturer was trying to build a jet that would go mach 4 (4 times the speed of sound for you non-aeronautical types). Finally after many years of design, the jet was finished. A test pilot took it out for it's maiden flight. Everyone gathered around ... and the plane went to Mach1 ... Mach2 ... Mach3 ... Mach3.5 ... and the wings ripped off, the plan hit the ground and killed the test pilot.
The engineers went back to the design and spent months re-vamping it. They came out with the new and improved second version, but when they tested it, it had the same disastrous results: the plane's wings ripped off and the pilot was killed in the crash.
The engineers went through 7 iterations, until finally they were about to give up. They decided to contact Bob, a retired engineer with the reputation of being able to fix all problems. Bob comes in, asks to see all the design figures, charts, and drawings, and takes them home to study them. He calls the next day and says he has discovered a solution to the problem: drill holes vertically through the wings at the exact spot where they attach to the body.
At first everyone argues - the wings are ripping off now, why drill holes to them? but Bob insists that it will work. So eventually, they give in and do it. The jet is tested later that day and not only does it reach Mach4, but it goes to Mach5.3 before the test is declared over and successful.
All the engineers rush to Bob and congratulate him for his uncanny ability to discover the solution. "How did you know?" asks one of the engineers.
"Well, I'll tell you. I was on the toilet, and it occurred to me - toilet paper never tears on the perforations."
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Engineers and Lawyers
There was once an engineer who found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie jumped out and said to him,
"You have three wishes. But there is a catch - this wish system of mine was designed by a lawyer, so whatever you wish for every lawyer in the world will get double of!"
The engineer replied, "That's no problem, I can live with that."
He then said, "For my first wish, I wish I had a Ferarri."
"OK", said the genie, and a Ferarri appeared in front of the engineer.
"But remember, every lawyer in the world now has 2 Ferarris," the genie told the engineer.
The engineer remained unperturbed and said,
"For my second wish, I wish I was a millionaire."
So a £1 million appeared in front of the engineer and the genie said,
"remember, every lawyer in the world now has £2 million ."
The engineer was non-committal and then said,
"I always wished I could donate a kidney!"
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Engineer's Diet
We all know that it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree Celsius. (definition) Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.
For example, a dessert served and eaten near 0 degrees Celsius will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees Celsius. For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 150 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 5550 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 150 grams) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 4350 calories.
Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal. This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each pint of beer contains 320 latent calories, but extracts 20720 calories in the temperature normalizing process. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that the net calorie loss by drinking a pint of cold beer is 20400 calories.
Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. Celsius) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.
Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza, and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream. We should all be thin very soon if we adhere religiously to this cold pizza, cold beer, and ice cream diet.
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Engineers vs. Executives Theorem:
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.
Proof Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows, Work = Power/Time
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money,
we get; Work =Knowledge/Money
Solving for money, we find Work =Money/Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.
Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
Note: It has been speculated that the reason why Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard's math program was because he stumbled upon this proof as an undergraduate, and dedicated the rest of his career to the pursuit of ignorance.
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Engineering vs Maths Graduates
A maths and engineering workshop was being held.
On the train to the workshop, there were both maths and engineering graduates. Each of the maths graduates had his/her own train ticket. But the Engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The maths graduates started laughing and sniggering. The engineers ignored the laughter.
Then, one of the engineers said, "Here comes the guard".
All of the engineers piled into the toilet. The maths graduates were puzzled.
The guard came along and collected tickets from all the math graduates. He went to the toilet, knocked on the door, and said, "Tickets Please".
An engineer stuck their only ticket under the door. The guard took the ticket and left.
A few minutes later, the engineers emerged from the toilet. The maths graduates felt really stupid.
On the way back from the workshop, the group of math graduates had ONE ticket for their group. They started sniggering at the engineers, who had NO tickets amongst them.
When the engineer lookout shouted, "Guard coming!", all the engineers again piled into a toilet.All of the maths graduates went into another toilet.
Then, before the guard came along, one of the engineers left their toilet, knocked on the other toilet door, and said,
"Ticket please."
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Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the H R manager asked the young Engineer fresh out of Cambridge, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "About £75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."
The HR manager said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 6-weeks holiday, full medical and dental insurance, a non-contributory pension, and a company Jag?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR manager said, "Of course, ...but you started it."
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"High Tech" Management Skills
A young engineer was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer.
He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy."
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A Programmer and an Engineer
A programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angelos to New York.
The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I pay you $5."
Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says "Ok, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"
This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question: "What is the distance from the Earth to the moon?"
The engineer doesn't say a word, but simply reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with the modem and searches the net and the library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his coworkers - all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the engineer and hands him $50.
He politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks,
"Well, so what's the answer?"
Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
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If God were an Engineer...
A bunch of engineers are sitting around at a party, discussing the nature of the God, and who designed women.
The mechanical engineer states that God must also be a mechanical engineer because "if you look at all the pulleys and levers that drive the body, how the tendons and muscles and bones all work together, well, it's just amazing."
The chemical engineer says that no, God has to be a chemical engineer because "if you look at all the chemical processes that drive the body, how the hormones and the brain and the glands and everything else all interact, well, it's just astounding."
The electrical engineer says that no, God has to be an electrical engineer because "if you look at the circuitry of the body, how the thousands upon millions of nerve cells transmit signals from one part to another, well, it boggles the mind."
The civil engineer speaks up last of all and says, no, God is definitely a civil engineer, because "only a civil engineer would run a sewer through a playground. "
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An Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies,
"Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue.
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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The Architect and his Mistress
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for and enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
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Wisdom from Above
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts,
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man.
"How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist,
"everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist,
"but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man,
"you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
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Brake Failure
There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
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Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
• If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that go 1,000 miles to the gallon.
• In response, General Motors issued a press release stating that if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
• For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
• Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
• Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
• Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.
• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
• The warning lights for the oil pressure, water temperature and alternator would all be replaced by a single "general protection fault" warning light.
• New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
• The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.
• Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, you car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.
• GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
• Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
• You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.
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